Only for a little while.

Thursday, April 16th, 2020

Here I am. Messy hair, coffee spilled down my shirt, in the middle of a mess while my kids kick the shit out of me day after day after day. ‘This is THE LIFE’ the caption reads. And ya know what? It sure as hell is.

They want me.

They LOVE me. Like seriously love me. They never want to let me out of their sight. They love me so much, they call my name seconds after I leave a room. True…they are a little clingy…almost stalker like. One told me she wanted to see my boobs the other day. Another one peeked at me while I was in the shower. But someday…you know what I’m going to say, don’t you? Someday, they won’t want me to be near them.

They’ll hide from me. They’ll sneak by hoping I don’t strike up a conversation with them. I’ll be the clingy one. I’ll be the one calling them over and over again, knocking on their doors, calling their names. COME…let’s have a movie night. Where have you been? What are you doing? Where are you going? I’ll be the one wanting only one minute with them. Based on who I was as a teen? I know it’s coming.

Fuck. I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t answer when you called my name. I was NOT…definitely NOT in the laundry room eating the cookies I hid there…not doing laundry. Thanks to my friend Jess for that helpful tip.

I’m not sorry for ordering you out of my office for the 5th time though. You can chill on that front. Mommy needs work time and you need rest time ya know? So there’s a balance here. While, I’m a little pissed that we are all sitting at home for weeks and weeks…and ok, months and months, and I’m disturbed by little ones calling my name every SECOND of the day…it’s ok to want to hide and drink wine in my office. I can also chill. I can also relax a little more. Future me, would actually slap me and tell me to EAT. THIS. UP. I can hear me now. “You’re an IDIOT. Next time, fall asleep in bed with them. Take the whole day off. DO EVERYTHING THEY WANT.” And here, present me is like gulp…everything?

Sounds like a challenge…

CAUSE these moments will be gone. I’m already crying. I’m a sappy eyed freak. Can someone hypnotize me into not cringing every time someone yells “mom!” for the 50th time though? The other day I sat all three of them down and said, “ok kids. Before you say ‘mom’, can you ask yourself, is this is a problem you can solve yourself?” Now thinking back on that, telling a 3 and 5 year old that initiative, it was probably a bad idea. Thank goodness I didn’t see a spilled gallon of milk on the ground or an overflowing toilet that day. They didn’t listen to me anyway.

I want to thank my cousin’s wifey for spilling some teenager-mom advice on me that prompted me to write this. She started her text “I’m sure you’re busy, with kids and all.” And I joked, “I’m busy HIDING from my kids because they are home ALL DAY!” She got it. You all get it. You have wine while you’re reading this don’t you? OR wish you did. You might be in the bathroom…hiding…or laundry room if you’ve been so lucky as to figure out that tip. Maybe you’re a smart one and reading this after they are in bed. Thanks by the way. For reading. I hope you get comfort in knowing…that’s its ok. It’s ok to hide.

In a few years though…no tiny hands gripped around my thigh so I can’t move. No little arms draped around my neck. No cutest voices EVER just asking me to go higher on the swing or cuddle just one ONE minute. No big, bright, wide eyes getting overly excited about making smore’s outside. I laugh out loud because that’s a real thing that makes my heart smile. I don’t want to look back on this and think “I should have…”

I’m in it. It’s here. Literally served to me on a platter. Ok ok…my point? There has to be a balance, because if you’re a parent you’re probably like, “what the hell!? To be grateful for every minute…even when I want to cry and eat my fist in the shower…is a lot.” To quote my cousin, Somer…”It’s ok to hide in the closet or under the bed with a glass of wine.” I’m rethinking my hiding spots right now. Her kind and wonderful words did remind me…there will be a time. When…they will hide from me. And I’ll be searching them out.

And then…they won’t be here. I’ll have to cuddle with my dog…or my husband. We will need a bigger couch. And I’ll get hot, and then I’ll move to the other side and we will just share a blanket..and wonder what my kids are doing. Tomorrow…today…whenever you are reading this. If you are a parent…if you are not. It’s going to be a great day. And if it’s not…shit…there is another one like it tomorrow.

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