An inner struggle of a work-at-home mom.

Friday, February 14th, 2020

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I’m sitting here stuffing popcorn and M&M’s in my mouth. Not just any M&Ms. Peanut butter M&Ms. The best kind, may I add? Not exactly stellar for my diet. But…hey. Self Care?

I’d love to take a bath, but my dog thinks I’m drowning and gets very worried. I do tend to close my eyes and sink in as far as I can and not move, so I get why she wouldn’t understand. She thinks the proper way to take a bath is to move as much as possible and splash everyone around you.

I also said I was going to bed at 11. But this silence is so nice and I can’t bare to end it. Peaceful piano playing on spotify like I’m sophisticated. Don’t tell anyone my wine was $8 (and came in a big jug). Buttery popcorn, wine and M&Ms and the best part? The kids are sleeping. So before I go into all the reasons why I relish this time of night I’ll let you know that my favorite time of the day..most days…is seeing my kids in the morning. Either waking them up or seeing them come down the stairs, blankets in hand, bedhead on point and the cutest dreamiest look of wonder on their faces when they find where I am. Be it in the kitchen making breakfast, the couch curled up, the table journaling, or…most likely…still in bed trying to soak in those last moments before the day starts.

I AM not a morning person. I could be. If I wanted to be. But I’m not at the moment.

So my two favorite moments are seeing those cute little faces in the morning, and the second is when I put those cute smiling adorable faces the fuhhh to sleep.

So I see them in the morning and for that second and literally, it could be ONE glorious second, they are the bestest most cutest, loveliest thing that has ever happened to me. The next second, they need milk, they spill milk, they actually want waffles, and a show on, but not THAT show…the OTHER show!!!!! And someone needs to go potty, or better yet…they already pottied in their bed. And then I want to go hide because for the next 12–13 hours will be spent serving them. I’m mom. I’m not a sane person who can sit down and focus on writing, or reply to emails, or even talk with friends on the phone. Because they KNOW when I’m on the phone and they can’t have that.

Ya know?

And it’s not all crazy. When I strap them in the car and turn a movie on its fine. And there are plenty of things to celebrate and smile about. Like Fi going in the potty all by herself, or dancing in the kitchen together, and matching all the matching cards! And seriously…hearing my 3 year old daughter say she wants to grow up and be a mommy like me melted my heart. AND MELTED it all over again now that I think about it. Couldn’t even think about it properly earlier. They scramble my brain these kids. So there are SO many things I love about being a mom and spending so much time with my kids. I’ll only get it this one time.

But…I’m still not only a mom. So the moment they hit the sack, I’m all ABOUT this quiet time to work…or write…or pull random things out of our puppy’s mouth. To just be ME. And I soak in this time.

So this is probably why I’m not a morning person. I’m a night person. Because I can’t drink wine at 6am. I mean, I could, but I would judge me.

When I said in a previous blog I’m a much better photographer than a mom and it’s the most fulfilling thing I do, I suppose, now that I’ve had a moment to reflect that I meant it’s a part of my life I get to focus on and it is SO enjoyable and so fulfilling. I don’t need to use my mom voice with most of you. You guys don’t throw your snacks all over the floor, or annoy the actual shit out of me by repeating ‘mom’ over and over again. I’m a mom yes, but it doesn’t define me. My life’s work is creating art. Either with words, or pictures. I’m honestly a bit envious of those of you who love to stay home with your kids. I also have MAD respect for daycare providers and teachers.

Rennex asks me often when I will get to watch other kids in our home. Since he goes to someone’s home for drop-in daycare once in awhile when she has an opening. I laugh. NEVER. I would never choose to do that, kid. My husband overheard and said way too quickly, “mommy will never do that.” Totally right. I am not the person for that job. That’s why I take photos. So while I want to beat myself up for saying photography is more fulfilling than being a mom, I think that might change over the years. Creating life, and being halfway decent at raising, shaping, and guiding those lives to do the right things is pretty darn fulfilling, I’m just in the thick of it so maybe I’m not seeing the big picture. Maybe I just don’t give myself enough credit.

You know what. It’s all fulfilling. There’s no competition. I was made to do photography and also be a mom. Why am I rating them? I’m lucky and blessed to be able to do it all.

So it’s almost midnight. That’s my cutoff. Thanks for reading. 🙂

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